This is a difficult post to write. Over the last few weeks (well, really, months), I’ve felt like I’m on a rollercoaster but somehow I’ve experienced very few ups and lots more downs. And the ride down has not been exhilarating and fun…it’s been terrifying like a freefall and often times, extremely sad. It’s like there has been a perpetual dark cloud hovering over my head.
But each of these freefalls has helped me get really clear on what I want…and don’t want. All my life, I’ve been the type of person who gives generously without asking for anything in return. If someone needs my help, I give it to them. If someone needs money or some other material item, I will help them get it. But honestly, I’m no longer in a position to do that here in Costa Rica.
Especially when I’m not supported in return or when my requests and needs aren’t listened to or when what I offer is not appreciated or when more is asked of me than I can actually manage. I’m tired of being pushed into corners and forced into situations that I don’t want to be a part of. I know that in many situations, there are compromises that need to be made. However I feel like I compromise too much and, too often, I compromise to the point where I’m always losing out and not getting anything out of it.
And really, there are just some people whose drama I don’t want to touch with a ten foot pole. I have enough problems to manage on my own…and I prefer if they not bring their drama into my world. Actually, at this point, I’m just refusing to allow it to enter my world.
So I’ve found my voice and I’ve learned to say No. In doing so, I’ve also hurt some relationships that I really treasure. But I just can’t keep saying Yes to everything, especially those things that I don’t want to do or that I’m uncomfortable with, for whatever reason.
I’m trying to stand up for myself, to have a voice and to go after what I want…and to let go of that which doesn’t serve a positive purpose. I feel like it’s a lot harder to do this here in Costa Rica – there are cultural issues that have to be managed as well as more challenging personal relationships – but I’m doing my best to live my life with as much integrity as possible and to find a balance of living a life that not only benefits me but all of life without running me into the ground with exhaustion or putting me in situations where my values are compromised. I still want to support others but the past mentality of always saying Yes just isn’t sustainable in the long run if it affects my happiness and overall well-being.
If anyone has any thoughts on this topic, I’d love to hear them.